Tuesday, May 31, 2005
hey hey... today was ugh... like any other day. did some stuff. hung out with brett for a little. talked to amber online. did like nothing else. died a little more inside. but whats different. dont think tomorrow will be any differnt. still dont know if korrine is coming to the beach. god i hope she can. cause if she doesnt.... well i dont want to think. havnt talked to krista nee. like i should even care about her anymore. casue she clearly doesnt care about me. im not doing this tonite. hey..leave a comment if ya read me. give me something to smile about. casue life sure is giving me anything to smile about lately. thats all for now....love you krf <3.
music: jacks manaquin - holiday from real
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music: jacks manaquin - holiday from real
Sunday, May 29, 2005
ahh, today. blah is the word. poker at bretts at 9 till like 2. didnt win. boo for me. carl took down the pot. snaps for carl. got back home at like 3. yacina called, we went down to sal val did a little shopping.got 4 sweet shirts. ya me! then nater and hamber came over. had some supper. hung out. thats bout. it. tho amber told me one thing that really upset me. krista told her that on thursday nite, she thought that ed was gonna hit her. one that makes me want to kill him even more. two it scares me soo much. what if he would of hit her. or hurt her. god, i swear, who knows what i would do to him. but yet, shes still fucking with him..... what can i do... but pray that she sees the light, and relaizes she should be with me... i havnt talked to her in a week and a half, havnt seen her in like a month already..... i miss her sooo much. i just want to hold her on my arms, thats all i want to do. i just want to know she is safe. and i know that she is safe with me. no news on korrine. like its gonna happen anyways. only one person in this world ever probaly really loved me. that was krista kay. i miss her soo much too. god i miss her more than i relaize. i think i think about krista nee alot, but its no where near the amoutn that i think about her. god i miss her. but she doesnt love me anymore, what can i do.... i prolly hurt her just as much as she hurt me. i should have been a better bf to her, casue she was such a great gf to me. well, atleast through the first part of our realtionship. i was soo happy with her. well, im alone, like i always am. what else should be different.... love you krista nee. miss you sooo much. krf <3.
Tasting you for the first time, just to breathe you in
Breaking you for the first time, bathed in sin
music: funeral for a friend - streetcar
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Tasting you for the first time, just to breathe you in
Breaking you for the first time, bathed in sin
music: funeral for a friend - streetcar
Friday, May 27, 2005
lets start with last nite. no wait. never mind. i really dont feel like talking about it. lets just say nothing has changed. i getmy hopes up so high, i even here knocking on my door sometimes, but its never happened. i think this is it, she is done with him, and shes gonna chose me. but, the next day, nothing has changed. it sucks. went to see amber at work today. gave her the awesome cd i made for her. other than that. today was a useless waste of my life. poker tomorrow morning. swoppie. gotta get up at like 7:30 8 to get around to go to bretts. wish we were havin it here. then i would just have to be up by 8:30 to get a shower. ohs well. hopefull i win. the beach is like two weeks away. wow. dont know if korrine is coming. dont know if we will even go. if things happen to change by then. who knows. i know im gonna be up till like 3 tonite, and then maybe fall alseep of just stay up caus eim gonna have to get up so early for poker. ya know. amber told me a few things that fuckface did today that just made me want to slit his throat. hes such an ass. god hes an ass. i guess ill explain the one thing. amber was there today, and krista was poruning amber some soda, and i dont think i have ever metion this b4, but amber has a kidney issue, shes fine, she just needs to be careful with what she eats and stuff, and she can have like alot of soda. so, krista only like poured her a little soda, ya know, and fuckface goes, amber why you only drinking a little soda, and krista explained she had a kindey problem, and he goes well so do i, and krista goes no, she has a major kindey probl, and he goes so do i, and laughing and shit. I WANT TO KILL HIM. amber told me he was also mocking alton today too. he should not be allowed to walk the face of the earth, let alone be with someone as special as krista. yet, she is, with him, and...ya. im like out of the picture. i should just kill myself. who would truley miss me. she is the only thing in this life i live for, the thought of one day being with her is what keeps me alive. and its pretty fucking hard to deal with this shit, when i get to talk to her once every two weeks, and see he even less. its really fucking hard. maybe, at the beach, if she comes, me and korrine will hit it off. maybe. and i will be able to move on form her. i let her go once when me and krista kay were together. but let her back in after we broke up. and maybe i will be able to let her go again. it should be esier this time, since i dont see her. who knows, and who cares. nobody knows how much i love and care for her. u would think of after like 10 months of it ppl would relize i want to be with her more than life it self. idk...... shes not even her self anymore. i have gone over that b4.. what can i do but try, and continue loving her. cause look at the alternative........6 feet under.... that sounds better some days. krf <3.
music: funeral for a friend - moments forever faded
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music: funeral for a friend - moments forever faded
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
no bitching tonite. CARRIE UNDERWOOD IS THE 2005 AMERICAN IDOL!!!!!!!!! hells ya!! at least one thing in life is going good. yay carrie!!! im so happy for you!!! krf <3.
music: carried underwood - angels brought me here
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music: carried underwood - angels brought me here
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
hmmm....today was uh, ok. i guess. nothing really happened. slept till one, talkled to amber, got a shower, lounged on my ass till idol. my carrie was amazing as always. yay. very borning day. playing poker tomorrow at bretts really freaking early. i hope im on my game. uhh...still dont know if korrine is coming to the beach with us. heres to hopeing she does. i have felt very alone lately. the only two people who seem to care about me are amber and brett. well, there the only two that show it at all lately. im just tierd of felling scared and alone. i hate it so much. ugh.. it all sucks. some good news today. talked to bobby tonite and hes gonna be at the beach with us for atleast a day or so so that is great news! i miss bobby. last time i saw him was i think at krista freys house. u thought i could get through a whole post with out mentioning her. lol. ya right. i miss her. alot. i miss the kids. amber told me last night alot of stuff, that just made it seem that he has comlpety brain washed her. and it scares me. im scared he is gonna do something to her, or her kids, and i feel like i need to stop it. plus, my own emotions for her. i just wish i could be with her. how many times have i said that. ugh....one of these days he is gonna do something and hopefully she will finally snap out of this and realize she needs to be with me. i love you so much krista nee! muah. nite everyone..... krf <3.
music: carrie underwood - inside your heaven
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music: carrie underwood - inside your heaven
Sunday, May 22, 2005
today was ok. not really actually. it was shitty. like all the other days in my fucked up life. talked to amber about alot of stuff tonite. god, i wish she would just end it with nate now and get it over with. i actually asked her tonite if she was happy, and she said no. so who knows. im going to see her tomorrow at work. she told that the krista nee and ed fight more than her and nate. so, god, i dont know. i havnt talked to her since she called me on wednseday. i havnt seen her in like 3 weeks maybe 4. so ya. fuck that. its soo messed up. i hate my life. im never happy. just more and more bad news everyday. amber told me yesturday i think it was that korrine is coming to the beach with us. i really hope she does. that would rock, and you never know what might happen then. but why get my hopes on somone coming to the beach with me. i did that last year just to have her not come. so different year, different girl, same shit. prolly. why would things change. i havnt benn happy since mid december. its been too long. i cant take it all much longer. amber said something tho that was good. she said that if nate was well nate at the beach, that it would be over. oh and she said korrine doesnt like nate. wonder why? god anyone see a pattern. yet for now he still has amber and the biggest cocksucker in the world has krista nee. so why should i even care. i dont, haha ya right, i care thats my god damn problem. i care to much for the people in my life. and i try my goddamn hardest to make everyone happy, while i get fucked. im tired of getting fucked over. i want to be happy. please let her leave him, her dump him, and her come with us. but why would something good happen to me..........
music: the format - on your porch
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music: the format - on your porch
Friday, May 20, 2005
so today. was ugh. as always. kay kay came for like 2 mins. ya me. watched super troopers chicken fucker. did ballet. taught a poor kid to fish. sold coke. did some hash in a back alley with a cheap trick named ned. god im pathetic. talked to hamer online today. not bout much tho really. i guess i should tell you all bout my phone call from krista nee last nite. we never mentioned "us" or the whole "thing" from this past weekend. god it was so good to hear her voice. she was so sweet sounding last nite. one or two things bugged me. they wernt that bad tho. i should have asked her alot of stuff. but i didnt want to ruin our conversation. we talked prolly 40 mins or so. up intill 11, when "god" himself gets home. dickhead. but it was very good to talked to her. i rember at one point i looked in my mirror at thought i have no chance, but i forgot at what. we ended the convo with an i love you, so ya that made me really really happy. god i havnt said those words in soo long, it was soo goood to say them. esp. to her. tryed to write a song/poetry tonite. ah did ok. i wish i could write songs. thats my dream. hopefully i will see krista nee this weekedn at somepoint. maybe brett tomorrow, and poker hopefully this weekdn with wydra. im tierd. not really tho. just tierd of everything. well, thats alll. for now. i love you krista nee, with all my heart. i will always be ur kevin no matter what. and i mean that. muah, love you. krf <3.
music: slipknot - vermilion part 2
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music: slipknot - vermilion part 2
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
so ya....ahmmmm.... ya. kristas not pregnat. well, not now atleast... amber needs to be more clear next time she says something. very long story i dont feel like explian. but... ya, i feel like i have been given a reprive from the governer and i have one finaly chance to live. and that if i dont try my hardest, im gonna lose her for good. so step one is already taken place. i told amber to tell her to call me. and such. this is what amber told me what kirsta said "pinkpickles1648: she said that she really misses you and she thinnks about you all the time and she will try her hardest to call you and get to talk to you." that made me happy for what its worth. if she truely does think about me all the time, why doesnt she calll me or something. casue i sure as hell think about her all the time. lets just say, the phone hasnt left my side since then and wont untill she calls me. its sad, i know. but, i just need to hear her voice soooooo bad. god, how i would die just to hold her in my arms. ya know, brett knows all of what is going on, and he thinks that i should let her. i understand where he is coming from, he doesnt want to see me get hurt, but he, no one understands what i feel for her. i never thought i could love somebody soooo much. i do, and i do feel it for her. my krista nee. and... i dont know. it is very hard. like it has been lately, but, i keep telling myself that she is worth it. and i know she is, and i just have to keep believeing that we are gonna end up toghter. i dont know how, but...we will. and sooon. huh, gotta say this, about prolly like 10 mins after amber told what krista said, this chick calls me, i swear it sounded like krista, and she says "how are you doing hun" only one person on the face of this earth calls me hun. krista. and it sounds like the kids are in the backgourd. so ofcourse, i sat in my sacred little girl voice i get around her, good, turns out it was someone trying to get me to join bloom heatlth and fitness, i keep the conversation up for like another two mins, after i knew it wasnt her, but i was so in shock, prolly why i kept talking, and i swear to god she must of thougt i was insane i was "thank you" in the gayest voice i have ever said, i half even got the thank out.it was classic. blah. havnt heard that word in a while... i miss her so much. i miss everything about her... god, please let me talk to her like now, or tomorrow, and let me see her, and hug her, and be with her. thats all for now, i love you with every once of my soul krista nee. you are my everything, i love you sooo much. krf <3.
she is everything to me
the unrequited dream
a song that no one sings
the unattainable
shes a myth that i have to believe in
all i need to make it real is one more reason
(ya, she called, just now,..........................)
music: her voice
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she is everything to me
the unrequited dream
a song that no one sings
the unattainable
shes a myth that i have to believe in
all i need to make it real is one more reason
(ya, she called, just now,..........................)
music: her voice
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
its not getting any better. anytime soon. first off, talked to krista kay tonite, shes coming over tomorrow for lunch. ya me :). but like it means anything, im trying to acceot the fact that we are just reall really good freinds, but i have never had to change how i think of somebody before. she was my girlfreind. and i just cant stopping thinking of her as anything eles. im trying. i am.becasue she means sooo much to me. she was the only person i talked to today other than brett and andy, and indirectly mom. poker tonite! i better win. i really hope that amber is online at work this afternoon. i need to talked to her. or call me tonite. i want to tell her mainly that i want krista nee to call me. i need to talk to her. i have to so bad. i dont know if she knows i know yet still. im sure amber has told her by now. i still dont believe it all. its just tooo much to handle for me. way to much....... its all to much.. im just sooo sad and angry, and just, i feel like i have nothing. whenever i was down or upset at anything, i thought of her, and she would make me happy. just the thought of her made everytinhg seem that it was gonna be alright. and now, that has been taken away from me. its all gone. all of it. now i think of her, and it makes me want to drive of a cliff. i wrote her a two page letter that i will prolly not give her. im gonna have brett read it tomorrow, and im prolly gonna right a differnt one. and maybe give that one to her. i dont know. i hate the fact that im mad at her. i should be happy for her. but im to selfish to be. but, i cant. im me and im mad. at him, her, everything. she is forever attached to him now. what do i have to say i even knew her. a scare on my thump, some emails, letters, and memories. this should have been mine. we should have been starting our famuly toghter. but thats never gonna happen. never. its all done and over with. yippie..... hey, what eles is new, im sad and alone. i should be used to this by now. ive gone trough more in my first two relationships than i ever thought i would in my entire life. but like now, i dont think i could ever have a normal relationship. i need something fucked up. cause im sooo fucked up. ya, ill be back toimorrow for sure. maybe. love you krista kay. muah. thanks for caring about me amber, u mean so much to me, thanks for being there. and u, krista nee. u have hurt so much, and yet i kept on loving you. through everything, him being with you, you telling him you love him on the phone, me seeing you with him, you moving in to his house, me helping you move in with him, now this. i cant take anymore. im done. i will always love you. you are my soul mate and i know that for sure. but we just cant be toghter. maybe in another lifetime. no wait, i know that we will be toghter then. our souls will finally be toghter. like they belong. till then, ill cry my self to sleep.....
music: slipknot - vermillion part 2
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music: slipknot - vermillion part 2
Monday, May 16, 2005
so, ...... ya. i dont know how to say this. but the worst possible thing has happened to me. krista frey is pregnant. yep..... the last nine months are for shit.... everything in my life is fucked forever now. its over. i have been in a state of shock now for over 24 hours. it still hasnt hit me. i havnt even creid. i have just been angry. nate called me on saturday and said he had bad news, but they didnt tell me till saturday nite. i thought that they were getting married, but i was wrong, tho this will prolly lead to that. FUCK IT. GODDAMAN IT/!!!! what the fuck did i do to get this! i just cant beleive it. i cant. FUCK IT ALLLLLL. i need to talk to her. i dont even know if she knows i know. FUCK IT/FUCK IT ALLLLLL. sad thing, if she left him today, id still take her. ya know, i should just try to get her to sleep with me. be like you owe me atleast one noght for all the emoitiionall hell you have put me thorugh. ya right......FUCK............. the end.....
music: like that fucking matters.......
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music: like that fucking matters.......
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
today.....what to say, good bad, everything. started off good. left a note for krista kay casue she was coming over for lunch. went to get brett. went to gallery of sound the golfing. golfing was funn. i love golf. shot at 121. bitches. first time ever golfing i think i did ok. hmm. then got back, krista had left me a note. it was nice. she called later and came over and left and said she was coming back later. but she hasnt. and that makes me sad. i dont know. i care about her sooo much, and i know/think she still does for me too. its ugh... ya know. i just wish things could go back to the way they were when we first were going out. that was the happiest tiime of my life. i was sooo happy, and happy to be with her, adnlife was just soo good back then. but now.. its sad sorta. i think about her alll the damn time, and it just upsets me that we arent toghter right now. ya know. and i wish we were soo bad. ya. talked to amber tonite. for about an hour. she actully didnt bitch abotu nathan. weird. very. and the other nite she told me something i really didnt like about krista nee. i dont really even want to say it here. ill say i think i have been replaced. and hes 50. FUCK HIM I HOPE HE DIES. FUCK ED TOO, HES STILL A COCKSUCKER. but this pther guy, mist likely has been over to her house, since michael asked amber if tony(fuckers got a name) was coming over. sooo, hes been there b4. cause, micheal has asked about me b4 to ed. sooo, ya. and she has not told me anything about it..... really fucking bad on her part. ya know. i need to see her and talk to her about EVERYTHING. i miss her alot. ALOT. poker thursaday i guess. yippie. im tired. but like not anymore, i was eariler. ugh... everything is shittty. ya know, ya know. hopefully soon things wont be. HOPEFULLY. love you both soo much, you both mean the world to me. happy bday to that person who i shouldnt like(ac). i should talk to the other amber tomoorw. shes soo cool, i miss her i think, tho only seeing a person for like 2 days, shes awesome tho, and tho we bonded over aim. shes a really good person. blah....maybe this goes in info...hmmm, what a risky choice that could be...fuck it im gonna . the only thing in here is the truth so y the fuck not let it out. bitches. wellllll, i guess thats all for tonite. love you krista nee, miss you. love you always krista kay vandermark. you will alwaays be the sunshine in my life. love you always and forever. <3. nite everyone.
music: waking ashland - i am for you (dont give up)
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music: waking ashland - i am for you (dont give up)
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
oh hi there, didnt see you. so whats happening...not much. ah, today had a call from krista kay. she said she was sorry for yelling at me friday. that felt good. i miss her. so much. had two finals today. two more left untill summer. pimp. indeed. talked to my boy wydra. i think we are going up to steamtown this weekend and sal val do some shopping. yezzir. uh, last nite j gray decide to go into the snack booth at the feild and the dude 3 doors down came and called the cops on him, ok, ya j gray should not have gone in there but they think that goddamn basebell feild in teh words of andy is yankee stadium. and is gay. lol, i was funny as fuck tho. limp bizkit comes out today. prolly gone pick it up. i should be tired but im not. i noticed today that my hair is elgantly deshelved. indeed, thats for my man max. lol. oh gosh..summer in less than 48 freaking hours....SWEET. i hope to see krista nee this week sometime. i miss her so much too. atleast i saw her on sunday. that was soo good. i wish she would call me. you dont how good i would feel to her my phone starting playing im with you. that would be soo good. but its not gonna happen. and i know she was soooo happy to see me on sunday. i could see it in her eyes. she misses me as much as i miss her. but she can somehow deal with. i cant. i need her. i need her sooo bad. god............ this sucks still...i miss you both. love you both. always.....u too mean soo freaking much to me i cant comperhend it....muah.... <3.
music: the academy is... - down and out
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music: the academy is... - down and out
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Welcome to may. indeed summer is a mear 3 days away. sweet. today was for what its worth great. based on one thing. one thing that hasnt happen in one month. i saw my dear sweet krista nee. saw her at walmart. she looooked so god damn good. god she looked good. it was just sooo good to see. she huuged me twice so ya that was good. god i miss her. so fucking much. her hair is really short too. but she somehow manges to still pull it off and look hot as hell. i cant believe it had been a month since i saw her. god, i swear im gonna kill myself if another month goes by b4 i see her again. it suxs. ohhhhhh. saturday nite i talked to her on the phone which was good too. plus me thinking she should come over with us to watch a movie saved me big time. we called her and she said that ed was at gaint, and we were going to gaint. so ya, nate and amber went in alone and of course ran into him. and he kept asking if they were alone. WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE. im gonna kill him. i swear im gonna kill him. but ya it was great to talk to her and then see her today. i hope i talk to her very fucking soon. .....as it continues. i will always love her. always. love you krista nee. muah <3.
music: damien rice - the blowers daughter
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music: damien rice - the blowers daughter
