Monday, February 28, 2005
soooo....today. it snowed. i love the snow. i talked to kay like 5 times on the phone. i miss her alot. i havnt seen her since yesturday. it sucks. i love her soo much. but tonite i talked to frey online. we had a great convo. i miss her alot too. i emailed her last nite. i pretty much just said hey. and i miss you. and this morning she emailed me back. saying pretty much the same thing. i wanted to ask amber alot of stuff on sunday but i didnt get the chance. i want to ask her if frey has said anything about me. and i want to ask her if i should give frey the letter i wrote her. god. i have had this notion lately, (i have felt more outgoing) too almost just ask her to be with me. to leave ed and be with me. i love kay, she (ya know) ed, but we love each other too. alot. and i know we would be soo happy toghter. we could make it work, i know we could. and for my own selfish motives, for once i would be happy. and im starting to get sick of not being happy. its like i get upset, and to make myself feel better, i think about frey. i do it all the time. i was just about to ask her we were going swimming on sunday. and i was hoping that would lead to me saying i wanted to do something that i didnt do that last time we went. then she would be like what would that be. i wanted to kissss you. bad. god. i wish she could just like come over for like an hour or two here, and we could just tallk toghter. alone. and maybe something would happen. god, i must love her more, it always is more about her than kay. god, this is so fucked up. so ya...i wish i could go back to the summer. i wish alot of things were different. i wish alot. its all just a mess. things need to change. i want to be with frey, thats all i know. yep. blah........well nite peeps. keep it real. love you both. love you more. forever in my heart. krf <3.
music: elton john - rocket man
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music: elton john - rocket man
Saturday, February 26, 2005
so ya...had a freaing great friday. hung out with my krista kay in the afternoon. wish that i never had to leave her. i love being around her sooo much. then nick and frank came over and we had an awsome freaking nite. frank left in the morning and me and nick hung out till bout 2. went to arbys. that was a trip in itself. lol. and since i have been here all lonely bymeslf. sad. missing my two loves. i havnt seen frey since last sunday, and she is sick and is not going swimming on sunday. so ya that reallly fucking sucks. i only talked to her on thursday nite. and not that long. and not about anything that i want to talk about. i still cant believe that me and her and what ever romance thing we still have is still going on. after like 6 months and me being with kay. i still love her so much. i said to nick last nite that i would judt love to be with frey right now. i love her soo fucking much. i cant belive i didnt kiss her on sunday, i just couldnt do it in front of nate and amber. even tho thay were like at the other end of the pool. i just couldnt. i want it (and ya, i want it still to happen) when we are alone. i want it to be just freaking perfect. i want it to be perfect. my first kiss with kay was perfect. i want mine with frey to be 1000X's more perfect. plus, i still fell that if it happens when we are alone like in my room, i think i could lead to sex. and i still want to have sex with frey, at least once. its just something i need to do. i just need it to happen. i was just thinking that she should say to ed that she is going swimming tomorrow and just come her. and we could hang out alone. and do what we have both been waiting to do for a half of a year. and i swear to god, it would be the greatest thing in the world.i just have this picture perfect love scene between the two of us. and i want it sooo bad. and ya, i want her sooo bad. i want her for myself. i want to marry her. she is my "one" i know this. she is everything i could ever ask for in a girl. even just with her personalality and how she acts with me. it is exctaly what i want. if i dont get her, i will alwyas compare everyone i will ever be with to her. i do it know with kay. ya i love kay more than life, but i dont feel the soul connection. i did tho. so thats why i am still hanging around. i know that we can get that connection back. but it is like a ever present with frey. from day one, i was connected to frey. and every second since. i miss frey so much now. i wish she still had her house. god, life would be so much differnet if she still lived alone. i know, that i would have just been wiht her a ton more than i have since she moved in woth ed. and ya, i prolly would have "been with" her in several deeper ways. i would have been there and we would have had several more moments and something would have happen. if just a kiss, making out, or more. i wish i kissed her last week. i was in one hell of a mood afterwards. i was pretty much dispondent. i felt like freaking shit. i almost cried when she drove away. and a couple other times that nite. what if that was the last chance i get? i would kill myself for not doing what i have wanted to do my entire life. kiss her. i need to kiss her. i need to be with her. i need to live with her. i love her. i love krista reanee frey. but im with krista kay vandermark, and i love her too, more than i know. yep. as much as things change, its fucking the same. nite lads and lasssies. love you both. love everyone.
music: the spill canvas - the tide
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music: the spill canvas - the tide
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
so blah.....today was today. spent the nite with my kay. had a good time. wishing tho that we were more than we are. but, im willing to wait. because i love her sooo much. plus last nite i asked her to the beach and she said yes. so yay. im having at least one krista with me. plus my birthday is coming up. i just read my posts from this time a year ago. and i hope im not as depressed as i was last birthday. yep. i havnt talked to frey since sunday. i added a ps to her 5 page note. i miss her. i wish we could be toghter. god, i just want her so bad. but i have kay. its weird. i love these two completely opposite people. oh well. yep. i love you krista frey. i love you krista kay. kisses for you both. love for everyone. nite kiddie-o-s.
music: doves- caught by the river
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music: doves- caught by the river
Monday, February 21, 2005
life is way to confusing. i dont know from one second to the next what me and kay are. i love her so much. i didnt kiss frey in the pool on sunday, wish i did, and didnt. i just dont know what the fuck is going on. i know that i love two people. and thats it. this sucks. i want one. im shit without them. they are my life. i miss frey, and am pissede at myself for being a pussy and not kissing her. its just so fucking confusing. i dont know what they want, i dont know what i want. its so fucking messed up. i love them both sooooo much. i wrote frey a 5 page letter. im this close to telling her i want to be with her. and im this close to telling kay i want to go back to what we were. who will i ask first. ?? dont know. ya...love everbody...nite kiddies.
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Wednesday, February 16, 2005
today was a good day. i guess. now im starting to let myself fall back in love fully with krista kay. i went over to her house tonite with some food. and i was jsut so happy to be with her. we had fun toghter. and i hugged her goodbye on her couch and it just felt sooo good. she put her hand up my jacket and tickeled me. it was sooo cute. i missed her so much. i am so happy we are back toghter. in my email i sent to frey on sunday nite i told her that i didnt feel the same for kay that i felt for her. those feelings are coming back to kay. i should still give it some time. it has just been a week and a half since we got back toghter. i love her so much. thank god she is back in my life. i still havnt talked to frey at all this week. she still hasnt responded to my email. and she came on tonite but it wasnt her it was ang. i was pissed.if im gonna let something happen between me and her. it is gonna have to happen soon cause me and kay are getting closer day by day. but ya. its not like im losing feelings for frey, but just getting more feelings for kay again. the other nite i read over alot of my posts over the summer. it was so great to rembere all the good memories that me and frey had. she is the most important person in my life. but so is kay. these two girls are the best things that could ever happen to me. but even tho they have never met, thay hate the hell out of each other. its funny, the two most important ppl in my life hate each other, wow thats weird. i love you krista frey. i love you krista vandermark. i love everyone. nite kiddies.
music: snow patrol - run
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music: snow patrol - run
Monday, February 14, 2005
happy valentines day everyone. mine has been ok. it could have been better. if one of two things happened. seeing either krista. but its ok. i think, for once things are looking up. things with me and my krista are really good. we are dating and its great. i love her so much. we are taking it slow. and tho it bothers me some times, it is for the best in our relationship. everyday, it becomes better and better. im still scared that i could lose her. just becasue i did once before, and i dont think i could lose her again with really really losing it myself. and then there is krista frey. who isnt online tonite, god damnit. i sooo wanted to talk to her tonite. things between me and her are soo good. on sunday nite, me and her and nate and amber went to the danville rec. center. and me and krista were all over each other in the pool. i mean she like couldnt keep her hands off me. it was soo great. then there was a time where we were at one end of the pool and nate and amber were at the other (we were the only ppl there other than a little girl and scuba divers, thats right scuba divers in a pool, it was sweet) and we were face to face like really really close to each other. and if me and kay wernt back toghter at that second, i would have went in to kiss her. and i almost did anyways. it was such an awseome moment. and then later on i was resting on the side and she came up to me and was in front of my leanig on me, and my one hand was on her ass, and the other one was like inches from her crotch. to say that i was a little happy down there, and it was touching her back or ass too. im not sure if she felt it or not. then it was time to get out of the pool and i like stalled a little to make myself a little less happy. walked out woth her on me, hugged her goodbye, and prolly who knows made out if nate and amber wernt with us. i finally gave her her xmas presents. she loved them. i was happy. i still just want to get her alone and see waht happens. even tho me and kay are back toghter, i wouldnt want to hurt her, and she would never find out, i need to see what ahppens between me and krista frey. for the good of not missing out on something i may never get to do. i need to kiss krista frey in my life and i need to do it soon. and i dont know if i would have sex with her if she like wanted to. if me and kay have sex again before me and frey happen, i might not. but if me and kay still havnt had sex since we got back togther, i might. god, i alwasy wonder how could someone cheat on somebody, there is no excuse, but i feel like i have a special curcumstance. i just need to complete this stage of my life to atleast make out with frey. i sent krista frey a very long email last nite. saying how much i wanted to kiss her in the pool. she had to have known in that moment i wanted it to happen. but i guess she couldnt get online at all today. i havnt gotten a response to my email and she isnt online tonite. i miss both of them. if i could be with both, who would i choose. the hardest descion in my life. if i choose on my happiness, i would prolly choose frey. yep. i miss both of them. god my llife is confusing. brett comes home friday, and i get to get him. yay! i get to met ky to! well, thas all for tonite kiddies. love everyone.
music: pink floyd - learning to fly
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music: pink floyd - learning to fly
Monday, February 07, 2005
my life changed today. again. at 1210am i get an im from my lovely who will now been know as krista kay. she says she needs to talk. to make a long story short, she is sorry for everything she has done. and that she still loves. so, we are back together i guess. i called her then we talked for like an hour and a half, then took a half hour to say goodnite, then texted a few more times. i did not see this coming. i would allow myself to think that this could happen casue i knew i would hurt to think about it. but it has. i really dont know how to feel. im so unbelievably happpy, im scared, im nervous, im horny,lol. this is going to really upset krista frey. more than i know. its gonna piss of amber, and nate. but i never stopped loving her. i just pushed her out of my mind cause it hurt so much to think about her. god please let this work. and let krista frey be ok, and amber be ok, and mine and amber get along again. and everything good happen happen. please let my life start to look up. please. i cant survive the hurt again. i cant. i cant believe this is happening. how is my mother gonna take this. i told her on saturday that if i didnt ever see mine again i would be soo happpy. and now....yep. this is going to be an interesting week. i didnt see this coming, this is weird. i feel so weird. i have never felt this way before. sooo happpy yet so scared at once. its a weird combo. i really didnt think this was gonna happen. i thought it was over. and she was over me, and i was gonna be over her with time. a lot of time. i am at a lose for words. ................i love everybody!
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Friday, February 04, 2005
ahhh i closed the damn window before i posted last nite. ahhh i was so pissed. it was freaking long. oh well, i guess that means i can do it now. and im pretty sure something pretty major happened after i oringally posted anyways. so....ya me and krista.. oh its something. i have no idea whats going on this very second. but we are like this close to kissing. she wants to, and of course i want to but. ohh. its so like something is on the verge of happening but it just hasnt yet. she wants it to, but she doesnt want to end up hurting me. but just like telling me and knowing she wants to and like say things change, and tomorrow she is engaged with ed, and now doesnt want to do anything me anymore, i would be a fucking wreck. she by telling me all these things of how she was this close to just having sex with me and now just wanting to kiss me, i need it to happen. but the major thing that happened last nite was let me start form the begining. i help krista take the kids to the babysitters yesturday because she had andrews daughters yesturday too. and can only take three in eds car. so i came down and helped her. and she told ed last evening, and he said so out of the blue you call him and ask for his help. and she goes you know that i still talk with him and shit. he goes you never told me that. and she says she did. she has too, i know she did, she told me she did, she was like to me that i can still like hang out with you and talk but just not like everyday like before. so he doesnt believe her. and says so that freindship is more important than me. (and it is ass hole!!!!) so she was really upset. and they were both going to the bar, but he didnt and she did, and dont know what happened later on. who slept where or if there are fine now or not. god, why is she with him, what the fuck does she see in him?? for one he is an asshole. two he is mean. three he is just plain ugly as fuck, i mean i can tell when a dude is hot or not, and she is so fucking out of his league. he is ugly as sin. im adorable at least. lol. and he treats her, well not as good as i would. its not as bad as a certain somebody treats amber. but he is no prince charming. so i cant wait till talk to krista today. and now what the fuck is going on. i need to say something that i did in the phantom post. i saw jamie at walmart on thursday. she gave me her number. so who knows what may happen there. i want to call her on saturday and maybe go out. but alot of that will come from what is going on with krista. god she says she is happy with ed, but she cant be. cause if she was 100% happy with ed, why would she want something to happen that would change it?? ya know. another thing is, she wants to kiss me. does she want to kiss me and that be that. one kiss. you cant just have one kiss. it would lead to more kisses. and who knows what else. iam gonna ask amber about that sometime this weekend. cause that has got me confused. i mean if we kiss, that for uncontrollable forces forever changes our relationship. it just does. there cant be a way to just kiss once and that be that. also, does she want she a little thing our is she talking about making out with me. again a big difference. i have a picture in my head. and i think i would be right. we have a small kiss, retract, look at each other, and then really make out with each other. adn depending on the sutionation maybe more. thats how i see it. i know that this is the strongest i have ever felt for her. i have never missed her so much than i do now. i havnt seen her in like 14 hours and havnt talked in like 8 and i just miss her like crazy. i know what i feel, i know what she feels, its love, its love, make it hurt. does tbs really have a lyric for every emotion pssible. im pretty sure they do. i love you krista. i love you sooooooooooooooo much.
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Thursday, February 03, 2005
whats happin....ohh. my life is getting more interesting everyday. me and krista havnt been closer. she keeps talkin about how she wants to kiss me. i know its gonna happen. i want it to then continue to happen. alot. and i want it to lead to something. but i dont know if it will. it could lead to us having sex, but i want to be with her. and right this sec, i dont think it would. my take is if she wants to kiss my, that is cheating on ed. i rember her saying befor eshe can flirt and stuff, but no kissing or anything. she wants to take our realtionship to a different level. i dont know if i can handle us being on a much higher level but still not being toghter. i mean i have liked missed her before, but that was like at day intervels. i havnt seen her since like 2 this afternoon. and i miss her like crazy. i cant wait till she gets on aim tonite. i want to be kissing her rite now sooo bad. it will be so amazing. i know its gonna happen, and prolly very soon. but i dont know if she wants to kiss once and that be that. how can that just be that. it would have to happen more. it would just have to. adn i guess i would want it to lead to sex if the envirnemet was right. that would be something. i can see us doing it, and like be fine afterward, but then the next time we saw each other, that would prolly be the oddest feeling on the face of the earth. i would prolly be more nevrous than my first time, if we had sex. hopefully i would have prepared earlier, and i could stay the course. lol. plus im just plain horny. just a break from the love of my life. i saw jamie yesturday, she gave me her number. maybe something would happen there. i always thought jamie was pretty cool, and ya shes cute. she is so freaking nice and caring too. god why did the only person i was ever with have to be carzy. lol. gosh, wheneverbody eles i know and like or love are sooo freaking great. just my luck i guess. i just cant wait till krista gets on tonite. it wont be much longer. well, time for the O.C. and then my krista. i love you krista. YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING!!! I LOVE YOU!!!............ILY!!!
music: 3 doors down - let me go
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music: 3 doors down - let me go
