Saturday, January 29, 2005
its saturday. yay. i still havnt talked to kayla. i have tho throughtout the week convinced myself that i need to be with her. and yesturday i found out something that made me want to be with her even more. i told nick about her and he told me that she is the sweetest girl. you dont know how that made me feel. that made me just soooo happy. i just pictured worst case senrio that she would be just as messed up as my lovely. but it sounds like she is a freaking great person. im so happy. i want to be with kayla. she is so freaking cute and has a great personalty according to nick. ahhh i want to be with her so bad. i want to be in a relationship rite now soo bad. amber told me the other nite that krista and ed are not gettignalong so great anymore. she said that he is getting tired of her, and that she is getting tired of him. and that she was gonna have him sleep on the couch but she diddnt, god if she did he prolly would have kicked her out. maybe that things are ficked up rite now, he would screw around on her, or she could screw around on him (with me!) i hate ed so i wouldnt feel bad about being a family ruininer. i would be pround of mysefl. he would never know about it. tho if he sepects she is screwing around, he would prolly think was with me. from just talking to andys friends im founind out that high school isnt as i rembereed it. id kill to get back in high school. kick out andy and take his place. he is ruing a chance to have the time of his life to sit in his room and watch sportscenter. lol. i want to get drunk every nite and have rough sex with freshman. just for like a month to get that out of my system. it would prolly be fun, by i have emoitns like a girl, so i dont think i could ever just sleep with someone and like have that be that. i would become emotionaly attached, i know i would. thats just how i am. ohhh i want to be with kayla. if we get toghter, i would be over her, over anything that i could be doing, i just would be soooo happpy. and i havnt been happy for well over two months now. hopefully i can convince amber to like have her come with us next weekend with whatever we do. just ahng out with me and ahve fun. get to know each other. and hopefully really hit it off. iam slightly fearfull of being shy and shit, but, i know i wont be, i am like so open and shit now, but i guess im just neverous she wont like me once she knows me, i wouldnt know why but just i am scared cause i want to be with her. if i can arrange something or maybe have amber like call her while she is here, or have her try to get her sn or just have her give kayla my sn and she can im me when she feels comfertable. ya know. i know that i will be soo much of a better person overall if i am with her. i will finally come out of this depression. please let this work out. and if like we make plans to do something next weekend i will be so anxious and shit and happy this week. ahhh i would half be completly happy just to know that we are gonna see each other. and if something happens. i would be sooo happy and thankfulll. ahh, i just need this, i dont why, but i do. and i need this one, i just feel that i do. i feel that she is gonna be the one. i didnt feel this about her. i do feel the same about krista frey. but that is a differnet stroy. nobody can have the affect on me that she does. nobody. thats a fact. but i feel that kayla is gonna be a person a can an would want to spen the rest of my life with. maybe im crazy but thats just how i feel. i love you krista. and i think i got mysefl wrapped around kayla already. kayla <3. i love you krista frey!!!!
music: lil john usher ludacris - lovers and friends
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music: lil john usher ludacris - lovers and friends
Monday, January 24, 2005
like i start every post, ya sooo, uhmmmm. something happened sorta kinda last nite. amber miller calls me at like 11 saying this girls kayla watns me and watns to move in with me. i have only met this girl once at a central football game. i thought she was very cute when i met her. so i guess something is gonna happen hopefully. i would love to get to know her, and would love to have a relationship with her. i have learned alot in the past few months, more than i have learned in 19 years. i feel that i would be a totally different person and more prepared for a relationship. plus amber tells me that kayla is r$ch. lol. money doesnt mean i thing to me, but it deff. isnt a bad thing. i guess amber is gonna call me tonite with her sn. its gonna take balls to send her a im. unless amber tells me something tonite that wouldnt. i have know idea what it would be but im sure some things would. ohhh ya, she is i think 15 and in andys grade. well, well. ya. if this happens, im gonna love telling my lovely, but it is gonna totally suck to tell krista frey. but hopefully if this happens, it is totally differnet from the last time. right now i am just ohhh so very anxious to see what happens in the next couple of days. i couldnt sleep last nite. it was like the same deal i had on the third of november night. i want this to happen. i need this to happen. for the sake of everything that is right, i need this. i didnt think there was a chance in hell for what happened before to happen agian to but it did. somehow someone gets wrapped up in the idea of being with me. and they dont even know me. i just hope for the sake of me and amber, that kayla is a good person, and not crazy like my lovely. ohhh i want this to happen. i am so anxious. i tried not to get my self worked up, but i think i pretty much have. i didnt have time to get my slef worked up last time, it happend in 4 hours. so far i have gotten my self worked up all last nite and today she is the only thing i have thought about. when i saw her at the football game this was before me and my lovely where together, i thought that she was very attractive. she is a lot shotter and smaller than my lovely, but that doesnt mean anything to me. i just want this to happen. and i dont want it to affeted my relationship with krista frey. it wont, i wont let it. ya, im happy with expactations. i will let you now if my life changes. later dayz.
music: say anything - sappy
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music: say anything - sappy
Friday, January 21, 2005
who sleeps anymore anyways?? i dont. so ya...krista frey was online tonite but put an away message up as soon as she got on and never came back from away. and signed off at like 1050. i was pissed. what the fuck . i know that i am the only non family member she talks to online. so she was avoiding me. i dont get it. ahh i just need to see her soo bad. hopefully i will talk to her tomorrow. and hopefully i see her soon. and by see her i mean her coming here, and us hanging out. and hopefully i hang out with my nate and amber since its gonna fucking snow. ahh. and i have a dentist apppt. in like 7 hours. fuck. i want a freaking major change in my life. like now. i always need sex. love you krista. krista frey<3!!!!!!!!!11
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Thursday, January 20, 2005
i love music. just wanted to say that. today is boring. as useal. my life is boring. plain and simple. thank god for my computer. i would go crazy with out. i know cause i did when it was fucked up. so ya i talked to my krista frey last nite. we had a great convo as useal. she had to go at like 10 so i didnt talk to her for only about an hour and a half. oh well. she had to do laundry, get a shower, and make him somethnig to eat. we talked about the beach. and i asked her again to come, knowing full well she cant, she said kevin i would love to go trust me, and if things were a hell of a lot differetn i would in a heartbeat, and we would be sharing a room. wink. why cant things be a hell of all different? why does everything block me from being with the love of my life. i was fantasizing last nite if i won 14 million dollars, the first person i would tell would be her asking her to come live with me. and in my mind i wonder why she says things about sex and stuff to me, i want to know what she is thinking,is she just flirting as always, or does she want something to happen. i seriuosly dont know? i cant see her leaving him, unless he fucks her over. can i see her cheating on him with me. ya i can. i dont know why, but its just a gut feeling. maybes its just my wishfull thinking, but i knew that i was gonna get kissed like four days b4 i did, just was with somebody else. i just get these feelings. and i swear if she could come over some nite for like an hour or two, something could happen. i would let it happen. i know i would. then i would swear not to tell nate and amber and do it, plus call brett like the second she would leave. the nice me, which is most of me wants to just hold her in my arms forever, but im a guy, and yes i want to have sex with her, right now!! i know i love her and i know she loves me. id give anything to be happy with krista. why did she have to have kids at such a fucking young age. if she didnt have kids, we would be toghter,thats a fact. plain and simple(second time this post i have said plain and simple weird) ya so amber carnucio just came on and in here info it says any takers for a prom date. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. help me. let her say something . please!!!!!!!!!nothing.......blahhh, i have no balls. dude just say hey. its that easy, then who knows....ok so now i said hey....and nothing....wtf......i get the balls....and nonthing.......well thast my life in a nut shell. i have i told you i have a crush on an eight grader in central. ya i do. she just want idle. she left the computer and i now i just got knickekd off. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!AHHHHH. im not leaving untill i talk to her. when that damn phone thingy i have her sound set as goes off...im gonna shit. this is a covo to save. KK61034: hey nuchybaby2006 is idle. haha.come back amber.....please. ya so the eight graders name is alexis carl. shes hot. and like 14. or however old and eight grader is. still waiting...this could be hours, never, or now. ahhhh. who signs on the just leaves... why. its pointless.
KK61034 (3:38:16 PM): hey
NuchyBaby2006 is idle at 3:40:31 PM.
see i told ya it was the greatest convo ever. im just waiting for the best news i could ever get? hopefully. see i can do this and not fell guilty about krista frey cause, um well she lives with ed. i think that allows me to do this. something happen. please i hate waiting. come back amber!!! now. if she just signs off, i swear, i will kill someone. maybe by the end of our convo i am going to her prom. ya never know. i really dont wat to go to a prom. deff. shamokin. ahhh that is scary sign off and run away. but she is awesome. i knew something was going to happen today. i felt it last nite. thoght it was gonna be with my lovely, but i was wrong about the person, and hopefully something good happens sooon. hey, it may not, and then tonite it will with krista. ya know. i get these fellings, i guess i just cat tell who there are about. i just added alexis xgana to my links. still waiting. half hour now. i have to poop. dont want to leave computer tho. fuck it im saying i gotta go and singing off. brb. now i cant go on aim till like 8. oh well. soo, i love you krista frey. muah. later dayz. krista <3!!
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KK61034 (3:38:16 PM): hey
NuchyBaby2006 is idle at 3:40:31 PM.
see i told ya it was the greatest convo ever. im just waiting for the best news i could ever get? hopefully. see i can do this and not fell guilty about krista frey cause, um well she lives with ed. i think that allows me to do this. something happen. please i hate waiting. come back amber!!! now. if she just signs off, i swear, i will kill someone. maybe by the end of our convo i am going to her prom. ya never know. i really dont wat to go to a prom. deff. shamokin. ahhh that is scary sign off and run away. but she is awesome. i knew something was going to happen today. i felt it last nite. thoght it was gonna be with my lovely, but i was wrong about the person, and hopefully something good happens sooon. hey, it may not, and then tonite it will with krista. ya know. i get these fellings, i guess i just cat tell who there are about. i just added alexis xgana to my links. still waiting. half hour now. i have to poop. dont want to leave computer tho. fuck it im saying i gotta go and singing off. brb. now i cant go on aim till like 8. oh well. soo, i love you krista frey. muah. later dayz. krista <3!!
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
so ya, krista frey is at the bar tonite...so i prolly wont get to talk with her. fuck. this sucks, i figured i had the next hour to talk with her. again fuck. hey its gonna snow tomorrow. woppie. i will get to talk to her tomorrow. hopefully. maybe even see her. god i sooo need to see her. for the third time fuck. maybe she will be back w/o him and i will be able to talk then. prolly not tho. there is always tomorrow. god, i need her sooo bad. fuck.......................i love you krista frey. i love you sooo much.
music: green day - we are the waiting
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music: green day - we are the waiting
Monday, January 17, 2005
yep, i am deff. in love with krista frey. it is as simple as that. talked with her on aim tonite. it was great as always. sorta seems pointless talking on aim though seeing as she is a mile down the road. oh well. we didnt talk about sex stuff, tho i had an opening, and seeing as i am not like that to start anything, i didnt. i cant wait to talk with her tomorrow nite. but i need to see her soo bad. i saw her sunday at the ho, but thats not the same as her like coming over. i just want to be with her for like an afternoon and just hang out. we have never just like hanged out. (2 kids). so i quess that is why. i would love to just be with her for an afternoon and just be in my room and watch some tv, have a smirnoff, and hopefully make out. it would prooly happen to, we would prollt end up doing it. no shit. but the most she has ever been over here is like a half hour. ahhh. i want her sooo bad. thank god she has aim, i love knowing that i will talk to her like everynite. that was one thing that made life hell before, i was just always waiting for the phone to ring. im soo much less stressed this time around. i just want to be with her all the time. i still dont think, even afer reading my 12-6 blog she understands how deep my feelings are for her. and how muvh i truly love her. she is the only person i think i could ever truley trust in a relationship. the i think want meaning im not sure i would trust her, i would, it was for thinking there isnt anybody else i would trust, deff, after my lovely. i know why people dont trust people. i trust krista frey. i love her to death. she is the light of my life. well enough rambling for one night. mabe i will have plans to see her by tomorrow night. hopefully. goodnite. i love you kirsta frey. you are my life. i love you!!
music: say anything - a walk through hell
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music: say anything - a walk through hell
Sunday, January 16, 2005
ya...so...hmmm. i dont know...but...y not. what do i have to lose, but all my hope again. i never stopped feeling the way i did. and with the last couple of times i have talked to her. she knows that state of mind i have been in lately. does she actually think i am over her? i never will be. never. but i plan on doing the same thing to my self i did for four months. because, no matter who or what comes into my life, i just could never have the same connection that i have with her. i couldnt. i guess you do you know when you have met the one, but for me, my one isnt with me, but she loves me. how much or in what way...im not sure, but could take a pretty good guess. if she didnt have 2 kids i could pretty much gaurentee to you she would be with. i know that she doesnt want to ake me down in her life. i know she doesnt want me to throw away my future to help her rasie a family. that just makes me love her more. she cares about me and my feelings soo much, something i didnt get form somebody. and if timing had twisted differently, i jad already had my first relationship done with, she was just getting out of things with ryan...i odnt know... never will seeing as thats not how life went. tho i would conced to having a relationship with like 4 other people right now, i know that i would be thinking of somebody eles, just like at the start with my first lovely girl. and maybe i would get happy like i did before, but it wasnt for long. i longed to see her when i was so called happy before. so that makes me think that she is my only one even more seeing as i was in a relationship and was at some points actally happy in it, i still would throw everything away to be with her. as i said i dont know. i know how i feel for her and thats it. i know i love her soo much. i know that. i know that she is one of the best freinds i have. i know she is freaking hott too. that just makes it 10 times worse. she is the greatest person i could ever know, and she is great looking. i know i feel when i am talking with her, like nothing eles in thos fucked up world matters, she makes me feel safe. i never felt that with anybody, including my lovely. not once. i have always felt that way with her. nothing ever will come close to this summer. and as of now nothing could. everday at the one place in the world that just felt right. i felt so alone at home, and unwanted. but there i was soo happy, i wish i could just turn back time and spend one more day in that summer. but then the inevitable happed. and things changed forever. then my life changed in early november, and changed again in late december. and here i stand again. with taking back sunday playing in the background, the soundtrack that was my summer. i just know that i will end up with my only. i know that we will be togther. i am not looking for another relationship, and if i do, it would be for one selfish reason. take i guess. im sorry but i am a guy. tho i am nice and shit. im still i guy. and not knowing what ur missing is so much easier than knowing what ur missing. ya know. i wish i knew for sure my play would have a captivating ending where the underdog gets the girl and everybody lives happly after. or some crazy shit like that. i will prolly be here more often now. hopefully. i am clear now on alot more things than i was. its hard for me even to admit to myself alot of things, and saything them hear means i have come to terms with them and can move on. all that means is i am getting over my lovely. i will be her tomorrow. i promise. ok. and...i love you. you do not know how much you mean to me. i cant beilev i let you fall out of my life even for like two weeks. i was an ass. i love you sooo much. goodnite. i love you krista frey.
music: every tbs song ever
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music: every tbs song ever
Friday, January 14, 2005
my first love is over. and i am living life scared and alone now. even though i may think or fell things to try to convince my self i am ok, and its for the best. i cant. at least not now. movin on...i feel that i am closer to krista fry than i have been in a while. last nite, we talked about sex, with each other for like 30 mins. so i dont know what to think. i dont see her leaving ed. i just dont. do i see her cheating on him with me, i can. nate told me before she slepted with someone when she was prengant with alton, the end with ryan was she was with ed. the end of ed is she is with me??? time will tell. plus, i have not forgotten the fellings i had for amber carnucio. i miss her a lot. she is an awesome girl. i feel we would be really good for each other. she is somebidy i just have fun with when we are toghter. i have onlt talked with her once lately, last thursday, it was a great convo. plus there is the girl down at psu that brett is gonna put a word in for me. i am gonna teel him to tell her my sn maybe. i learned one thing from kay. it is best to be freinds first before a relationship starts. i knew her three hours before we were going out. it was doomed from the start. you know. plus amber miller cant be happy with her realtionship with nate. but i just cant see her getting out of it ever. like ever. plus how could she go with me then?? how could i be with her?? i just couldnt do that to my best freind. nate means to much to me. but amber means just as much to me. and if he hurts her, you know. i dont. life is confusing... big time. i still have her ring and hair ties on me. you know. im not over her. i wont ever be. i know me. i know how i am. i dont get over things. ever. no matter what she has done to me, i love her. see i mean why am i even saying this shit. i just brings back everything i am trying to forget cause it hurts to much to think about them now at least. hopefully later i can just rember and be happy. but now it just hurts to much. i do miss her. alot. but it wont work. ever again. move on asshole. i am trying. god i sound like smeigel/golum. i do now this, i need to get laid. now that i had sex, and am currently not, it is ten times worse than not knowing what i am missing. thats why i want something to happen with me and krista frey, tho how weird it could become and shit, i would let it happen. cause that is me to, i love to bring the drama in my life. i just hope i find someone, sometime that is as great as kay was. why did i say that, things were great for a week, then i wasnt happy. i just was happy cause i was getting some everynite the slut. she was the one that asked for it everytime. i never said lets have sex tonite, she had her hand in my pants like you want it dont you. what the fuck was i gonna do, no, i am fine. of course i am gonna say yes. the one i love wants to do it. i am a guy iam gonna do it. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. its over. the end. ok.....i am going talk to frey now. later...
music: my chemical romance - im not ok (i promise)
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music: my chemical romance - im not ok (i promise)
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
day 3. not much has changed. we were supposed to go to old navy together tonite but she didnt go to school today beacuse she had a migraine. god im glad i dont get them. oh and im on andy's puter cause mine is currently fucked.i cant like loose my hard drive. 1200 songs, like 1500 pics, and aim convos with some ppl that i cant loose cause they dont exsist any where else. they are priceless to me. god it has been hell w/o. plus the fact that im still like soo derpresed that my current sustionation with krista. i need her in my life. i am nothing w/o her. i know she just needs time, but i just need her . and she is getting what she wants and i am not. i just feel so alone when i am not w/ her. i have to go. i love you krista kay vandermark!!!!!!!!
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Sunday, January 02, 2005
day 1 of the wait. this past week i have had so many different fellings, relations, ideas and such with krista kay. but finally today i know what is going on. we both love each other. but right now she needs herself. i finally realize this. ya its still hard that we are not toghter, but we will be back togther someday. hopefully soon. but i will be waiting. i love her soo much. i know that i want to be with her for the rest of my life. she is my only. i know this. oh this is the first post of 2005. ya. i just i dont know, i almost didnt have the convo today with her, but i did. and thank god i did. this was the first ever face to face convo i have had about fellings and relationships and shit. and it was different, being able to look in the persons eyes while im spil;ling my guts, i felt the most vournable i have ever felt. she is my only. i love you krista kay vandermark. i always will love you.
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