the opposite direction

so for x/mas i got a on hold relationship. it happened tuesday nite. i knew it was heading that way. she asked for me to bring all her stuff, but it didnt happen face to face. she did it over the phone later on. so even before it all went down(which has changed phases several times since) i have got krista frey back in my life. i talked to her monday nite on aim. then want to the hi-ho tuesday afternnon to see her, god i missed her soo much. she looked as beautifull as ever. god she is perfect. then i talked to her later tuesday nite still b4 the "break up,on hold,no title" then wedsday, after brett was here for the t.o.c. krista frey came to see me. and we acted like we always have together, which i thought would ever happen it in our current sutiations. but we did, she held my hand and was likelaying on me as we sat at the poker table. and we hugged twice real long. i didnt want to let go. i never do. side note. i asked brett casue now he has seen both kay and frey and i asked him who he thought was better looking, expecting one response. i wont say what it was, ok ya i will i thought for sure he would say frey, but he said kay. i was ok, thats what i wanted our opinion. i almost like totally doroped my jaw. i love them both and have been with mine completly, but will always say frey is more attractive. nothing ever even close against mine(kay) not mine(kay) i dont know but ya she is too beatufill. ok wherer was i. ok ya after that i was like i love frey soo much. then today, mine calls says she is coming over. she is here and almost sorta acting like my gf. sorta. thern phone rings mine gets it its frey!!!! i love my life. as soon as it rang i was like fuck!!!! i knew it was her. i just knew. so i barley got to talk to frey and mine was toitally fucking pissed and upset. why she was upset when we are not like toghter. simple, she still wants to be toghter. i know it. but for some reason she cant rite now, and i understand that, well not understand but, can handle, well not excalty handle, but not kill myslef over. but she got over it i guess. so now i need to email frey and say the stuff i would have over the phone. i guess it is as simple as this, i have the same fellings for two people. and well did can have one, cant sorta have one. that is it in a nutshell. totally. so ya. we will see what happenes over break. i love 2 people equally. what do they think of me. i dont know??? merry x/mas

i hate the fucking holidays. so ya life is just as confusing as ever. i just talked to krista frey for the first time in a month. i miss her soo much, i love her and want to be with her. i have come to realize mine is fucking crazy. what the fuck did i see in her. i cant live my own life. she thinks that when i ask her what she is doing im trying to know everything about her life. i am just trying to make conversation. she was like ok tom. i could have slapped her accross the face for that. she doesnt know me at all. and at this point i hope she never does. i love her and she use to love me. she wont even say i love you anymore. i would really like to know what the fuck is her problem. i knew this was happining. and i am going to be a fucking mess if it does. and it prolly will. i should just put her shit in a bag now. i hate my life now more than ever. i want to and always will want to be with krista frey. she is my life. she always will be my life. i just wanna cry myself to sleep and wake up someplace else. i just dont understand what is the matter with mine. she went from wanting to marry me to not even wanting me to like touch her in the matter of like 4 days. what the fuck?? im going to bed. tommorw willeithe( i hate bign alone, i cant do that again, i need someone in my life. i dont want to loose mine, i want to work things out, tho i dont think anything is the matter tho. )maybe it is all in my head. goodnite.

so....i of course want to make life interesting. it sucks if it is not. so i emailed ktrista frey on thursday nite and she has since emailed me twice. here is the first one.

it os driving me crazy. i need to see krista frey. i need to see her soo bad. i miss her sooo much. i miss the boy. i miss waiting by the phone everynite waiting for her cal. tho i will never be in her house again since she is now moved in with ed, i miss being there soooo much. i had a second home, and i loved being there sooo much more that being at home. i need her in my life. tho i dont know if i would actually. i came to the conclusion last nite, that i would leave mine to be with krista frey. i relazed how special of a relationship we had. she was i guess willing to risk getting caught being with me and ruiing everything with ed, just to be with me and having mr in her life. i need that back. i miss it sooo bad latley. i dont know why if it is because sometimes i swear to god mine acts like she is fucking three. the most mature person i ever met was krista frey. tho yes she has made several mistakes in her life, she is raisng 2 kids, and being a good mom. she is soo special to me. i havnt seen her in like three weeks. it is finally catching up with me. i am going crazy inside. im cracking. big time. i need to run away. from everything. and if i could take one thing with me, it would be krista frey. everytime i think about her. i just feel soo bad. she trusted me to be a good freind, and thanks to mine being so like... im gonna do something i lost krista frey. i dont know how it truly happened. then krrista frey left like a voice mail on my phone but i had nates on there so ididnt know that krtista had left like 2 and didnt listen to them untilll like a week after she left them. meanig that she prolly thought i was ingornig her. i want to have her back in my life. if it means totallly seeking around mine's back i would do it. tho i dont know how i could live with my self. i just wish mine could relize that krista frey is like my best freind, tho i hardly talk as much i should of to her, she was alwas there for me. no matter what, andf i know that it cuased me sooo much pain to not actually have her in my life the way i wanted her to be. there were some nites that i really almost couldnt take it anymore. like if i thought she was gonna call or something. i guess it started when she like officlally moved in with ed, and he didnt waht her to be with me all the time like before. and she said it was killing me the way it was before, but she had no idea how much more it was killing me not seeing her. it almost kiolled me literlally. tho i like could do anything that would hurt mine. she too has been fucked over in the past. and she is not nearly as strong as krista frey is. she cant hadly stuff good. i dont know if it is an age thing or what. krista frey is the strongerst person i know. i remeber the monday nite i cam over when she was scrubbing the floor. and then we watched i movie and the couch togehter. and she played with my fingers. i rembere everything so vividly it is not funny. or the nite of altons bday party. when ed was in the house shutting uo his damn kid. and me a krista were holding hands and ed walked out and almost saw us =. that was the nite she told me that she had something to say but didnt have the balls to say it. that lead to our to bug reall convos on the phone about "us". i miss "us". if she would break up with ed tomorrow, i would leave school, get a job somewherere. and we would get someplace toghter. and i would truly be the happiest fucking person on the face of the earth. my life would be perfect. tho i look over at krista kays picture and relize the hurt it would cause her. i prolly...i dont know....life is soo fucking confusing... tho i know one thing, i miis krista frey.i miss michael. i miss alton. i miss them sooo much. i had the fucking greatet summer ever at her house. life was so fucking great. god why did it have to end. y did i meet my krista, i still dont get that. out of the fucking clear blue sky. and it was her that reallly started the relationship, she has been the one to pretty much do everytnhgg. i even tho krista was like in our realtionship more powerefull. i felt like i had more powerr(power is a bad word but i cant think of anytinh eles) with krista frey than i doo now. sometime i feel like our relationship is unhelaty. but iam such a fucking ass, i would never do anything to change it. if she were to read this she would leave me in an instant, i would be devestated, prolly still not seeing krista frey, and prolly kill myself after x/mas. y did things have to get serious with ed. he is such an ass. there is no possible way that he cares about her the way i did and the way i still do. noone could have such strong feelings. no one. i want to print this and show it to krista frey soo bad. like take it down to the hihho tomoorw and put in like under her widshild wiper. and make sure to say dont utter a word of this to nate and amber. i stayed on the sidelines when she was with ed. and didnt like ever effect there relationship. and i did thid preety much our entire relationship. but whe i get a relationship she manges to call at times when she souldnt of or say sometnig onlien. i made it work for us so ed didnt know anythin, why cant she make it work so krista kay doesnt know anything. we can make it workk. i know we can. i want her back in my life. there is a huge freaking void that cant be fulled with out her. why would i even say any of this if krista frey didnt mean sooo freaking much to me. i am prolly like a liitle risking my rlaetionship with krista kay by posting it, and i want to give this to krista frey soooo bad, but she couldnt tlell nate or amber or at that point anybody aboiut it. we would need, for my sake, to keeep "us" known only to "us" and we i say us i mean only as freaking freinds. she is with ed. i know that. and i know that she is prolly the happiest she has ever beeen. but i know that she misses me to. and i have somehow hurt her soo much and i didnt mean to at all. she is thew last person it this world i want to cause pain. i dont know how i havnt creind tonite yet. this is longer than i thought it would be. but when your talkiing aboyt your life, i guees, things can get out of controll. now how the fuck do i give this to krista frey????? i should frwaking mail it to her. and like dont put my name on it. she knows my adrrees. and hopefully she gets the mail that day, and ed isnt like well waht the fuck is that... it is for krista asss. not u. i soory krista if u read that. but all my emotions are floowing rite now. i misss krista frey sooooooo much. i want o be able to share the holiday with her somehow. i fucked up thanksgiving. she said when it was eds bday, she would make me a diiner on my bday. i want that soo bad. i rember coming over on a tuesday and onlt seeing her like five minutes before she left to go out, but thooos fuve mintes made my day. i was soo happy when i was with. i keep rembering all the time we shared to gether, and i starting to half cry now. i should have known on that day when i helped her talk apart altons crip that she was moving in with him for good. but i couldnt let myslef think that. then finding out she was... that was the worst day of my life. thank god breet picked up the phone when i called him and told him cause if he wasnt and ante was alreay in bed, i dont know what i would have done. i cried for like 2 hours. then there was the convo over the phone on a fridya the like day after she told me, i cried on the phone with her, the first time i let her see myh emtions get the best of me. if life had gone my way......it didnt. and know tho i am happy, i feel more alone. i dont know. i am sooo happy with krista kay. but sometimes...i guess im not. and the only other relationship i have that to compare it to is the one with kriasta fret, and there wasnt a sec that i wasnt happy with her. the ed thing aside, that is totally differnet, becaues i knew from the start that she was with ed, but i still liet myslef fall in love with her. she was my life. the only thing that kept me going was her. where do i go from here?

x-mas will be here in like 20 some days. yay. it will be the best x-mas ever because it will be the first with my krista kay. i cant wait to spend the holiday with her. there is a lot of shit i should talk about, but i really just dont feel like it right now. i love my krista kay soo much. she is my everything. i love you soo much.

music: somethign corporate - konstantine